But I'm Not Sick

When you get news of a family member or other loved who's really sick you want to be depressed. Hell I've wanted to feel sorry for myself all day. I'm aware enough of life that I understand I need to allow myself to be depressed and to start to deal with the inevitable grief that will come. There are two things that prevent me from allowing that to dominate my life. First is as tough as it is now and is going to be in the future for me it is going to be much tougher on The Little One. I'm 32 and much more aware of how things work then The Little One. Objectively I understand everything dies. How or when you die isn't that important. What is important is how you've lived. It is very cliche but very true. The Little One won't understand that, she can't possibly grasp it. I know, as much as anyone can know anything, that this person has really lived a great life. Sure she might have a few regrets if you asked her but if everyone did the things she's done then the world would be a much better place. I only hope years from now if I face a terminal illness I can look back on my life and see the accomplishments and things I'm leaving for the world and see what she sees. I understand it, The Little One doesn't. I must be strong for her. I must.

The other reason I can't wallow in my self pity is ultimately I'm not sick. I'm not the one who has to go to the doctor's office every week. I'm not the one who has to make a choice between another round of incredibly tough treatment or shorting my lifespan. I'm not the one who two years ago had a doctor tell them that they have terminal cancer. Her life will almost assuredly end because of this disease. Nothing we know as a collective race of humans will keep this disease from ending her life. But I'm not sick, she is. If she is strong for her loved ones and is dying from something that nobody can control, how can I sit around and feel sorry for myself. I just can't do it. I can allow myself times to feel sorry for myself but when it's all said and done I'm not sick. I have a loving wife and a great daughter, what more can someone ask for.

So I must be strong because that's what is required of me. I will also allow myself to be depressed from time to time. Tonight I'm depressed. Tonight is tough. Tonight I'm going to have a few drinks and get some sleep. Writing this was really good for me. I've had a few drinks so I hope nobody minds the typos or wrong words. Well hopefully there aren't anymore than normal. :)